For most of my life, an adjective people have used to describe me is "innocent." On paper, I do sound innocent: I teach at a Catholic school, I knit, I sing, I love to read, I have a tattoo, but even that is fairly artistic (at least I think so)...I don't sound like I've been corrupted. Being around Catholics most of the time, people have stopped calling me innocent. Believe it or not, I'm the rebel and risk-taker (tattoo, potty mouth...I break some doctrine rules).

However, tonight I was reminded that I am, in some respects, innocent. My friends talk about sex and body parts, and risqué-type things. It so happens that my jaw happens to drop. I am not shocked because I feel like I'm being corrupted. On the contrary. For instance, two of my friends went to a photographer to get pin-up style pictures taken of them. On the one hand, I have always felt inhibited and self-conscious. On the other, I have always wanted pin-up pictures of myself taken. What girl doesn't want to feel sexy? So why does my jaw drop? Is it because I'm afraid to let other people know that I have a wild side? Do I worry about sinning (not really, but would I if I actually followed through on my actions?)? Do I worry that I will fail and not look sexy in those pictures?

I think what it comes down to is that I am worried about how people see me. Does "bad girl" match me? Will people believe that I think those things are cool? I also worry that I won't do a good job at it, that I am a perfectionist. When my friends talk about doing those "risqué" things, I'm not shocked, I feel a little jealous because it sounds like they are really living and having a lot of fun. Sometimes I feel that I do play too much by the rules, yet I am still unsure of which rules I want to break.

It seems that women are still categorized: the religious girl, the good girl, the feminist, the man-hater, the bad girl, the slut, the smart girl, the pretty girl, the ugly girl. But it seems that women cannot wear a few of those labels at the same time. Perhaps I will one day be gutsy enough to change that.